Peace, calm & happiness

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling.  The dread and fear I felt in that moment, was debilitating.  I kept sitting up to look out the window where I could see the driveway.  Looking to see if the van was there or not.  My only means of transportation. Driven by the man who I had trusted with my life.  I had trusted him enough to have 3 children with him.  I chose a life with him. A life that had been pounded into the ground with lies and manipulation.  He had chosen a path that didn't involve that promise or what I had envisioned for my life.  He chose the streets and drugs.  Every penny we had was gone the moment it landed in our hands.  I had to hide anything of value and stash any dollar I had, somewhere unimaginable, in order for him not to find it.  This was at a time that our son was in hospice care.  Our middle child was a rambunctious 3 year old and I was 8 months pregnant.  My life was in turmoil in so many ways.  How was I going to get us out of this nightmare?  How was I going to bring another baby into this hell?  How was I going to get to and from the hospital if my son had to go?  Would I even be able to put gas in the van to make it to the hospital, if he ever came home with it?  Would another drug related guy show up at our house when I was there alone with the kids?  While driving in that van used for God-knows-what, would someone he owes money to, target me?  What had my life become.  While staring at the ceiling in dread, I remember trying to imagine where I would want to be, if I could go anywhere other than here.  What I seen wasn't a place at all.  It wasn't a big fancy house or paradise island.  It wasn't material things either.  What I imagined was peace, calm and happiness.  Anywhere would suffice as long as what I felt was those things.  If I had enough food in my kitchen to feed my children.  If I had enough gas to get where we needed to go.  If we had warm, safe beds to sleep in.  That no one who could hurt us or show up at the door trying to take things.  If that man I had thought would give me the world, would just disappear from mine.  Peace, calm and happiness is all I ever wanted.  I could fool myself for brief moments to feel it.  Those fleeting moments of imaginary joy, were what gave me hope in such a dark place.  I was determined that if something would give, I would take it.  I would run and I would run far.  I just had to figure out how to get there.  It wasn't as easy as most people would think.  It's easy from the outside to say, "just leave".  I had a terminally ill child on a ventilator, feeding tube and tons of medical supplies. I couldn't just pack a suitcase and walk away.  I needed somewhere safe to go, where he couldn't find me.  I had to have the law on my side, so that the measures needed, were taken.  I needed to go into hiding without it being kidnapping.  I needed so many things to happen.  It was October 29th, 2015 when it finally went down that way.  I was able to leave with law enforcement, CPS and a PPO to light the way.  I went into hiding and worked tons of hours with the help of family, so that I could start rebuilding our lives.  It took me one month to get us into our own apartment and with the help of a S.A.F.E fund through the hospital, I purchased my very own, new to me, van. The hardest decisions of my life had not yet happened, believe it or not.  Through all of that, I had to make decisions for my son, that broke me into a million pieces. I had to decide whether intervening every other week to put him on life support was fair or not.  I had to let him go.  I am not sure what I ever did in my life to deserve the pain and torture that I went through in that last year or two.  But whatever the reason, it was my reality.  It was up to me to choose how I would move forward. How I would keep rebuilding for my two girls.  The option to crawl into bed and feel sorry for myself, wasn't a luxury I had the time to waste.  I had to pull myself together and fight.  Peace, calm and happiness wasn't going to happen by itself.  The next 3 years, I fought like hell.  I kept a roof over our heads, food on the table and my girls had everything they needed.  The trauma and fears of our past forever imprinted on my heart.  I lived with uncertainty that I could ever trust or love another man again.  I wasn't sure that I would ever quite get to the dreams I had hoped for, for myself. 

Fast forward 3 years.  I was staring at the ceiling again.  My surroundings a bit different this time.  My vehicle safely parked inside the garage full of gas.  My girls sleeping in their beds without a worry in the world.  The man in my life, sleeping beside me.  No fears, no unknowns, no worries.  The only heavy thoughts on my mind as I lay there, were of all of the things that needed done the next morning.  Checking off my imaginary list of things I didn't want to forget come morning.  But this time, good things.  The happiest of things I ever could have ever imagined.  The next day, at 2:00 p.m. as I walked across the grass with my grandpa holding my arm, I looked up.  I looked up and caught his eyes as I inched closer.  I seen it!!!  Peace, calm and happiness.  Everything I had imagined and hoped for in those most scary times, was right there in front of me.  My girls dancing and smiling near him at the end of the aisle.  Surrounded by all of our closest friends and families as we made the ultimate promise to one another

.  Those vows meant more to me than just the solemnly swear to love, protect and cherish one another.  It was a promise of peace, calm and happiness.  I don't expect our marriage to be perfect and joyful every second of every day.  But I know with this miracle placed in my life, that we will always be safe and okay.  

The only thing that seems to make the most sense about what I went through, is that it gave me a profound appreciation for where I am today.  There is never a day that goes by that I don't still feel moments of irrational anxiety or unexplained bouts of fear.  I don't know that those things will ever go away entirely.  But as more times goes by and life remains okay, I feel a little less shaky and unsteady.  I am learning to accept the peace, calm and happiness that has found it's way into my reality!  I'm a work in progress, as we all are through the chapters of life.  But I am so thankful that I was given a second chance to write a whole new story!  I am so thankful for our solid home, my two healthy daughters, my amazing husband, our precious dog..."white picket fence" and all!