"Look at the sky momma! It's beautiful!" exclaimed my 6 year old daughter on our way to Mott early this morning. I replied, "just like you baby" and she said, "just like YOU momma, you are so beautiful". It is THIS right here. It is the beautiful soul of my young daughter who sees the beauty in a sunrise. It is the words of my daughters when I feel defeated at the end of the day and they say, "you are the best mommy ever". It reminds me that even in a tough day, there is sunshine. My beautiful, sweet, loving daughters. Even when I feel like I have failed them with my short fuse and frustrations throughout the day and they still think I am the best mom in the world. They see the strong, fun, loving mom that I only wish I could be 50x better at. I make them a simple dinner of chicken strips in the air fryer and Kraft Mac & cheese and they smile and say "thank you for making us such a great dinner mom". Now don't get me wrong; not every moment is sunshine and rainbows with my girls. They are not always grateful and sweet. They have their moments when I spend an hour cooking dinner to have them say "ugh, I don't like that" and I want to scream. They bicker and tattle throughout the day as I am trying to juggle my work from home job, clean the never ending crumbs off the counter, or give them the warning face as they try to ask for their millionth snack of the day and I am on the phone with a patient. But just when I feel like a total failure, they thank me.
This is also the journey of a grieving mother. Most mornings, I have to take a deep breath, throw on my armor and give myself the little pep talk "you can do this" as I climb out of bed each morning. I don't say it out loud or vocalize just how hard it is. Very rarely will you see me cry. I don't have time to fall to pieces. It could take years to put those pieces back together and mom's don't get bereavement time as needed. So I take my moment each morning, sometimes while washing my hair in the shower. It's easier to rinse away the tears that way. I glance at his photos around the house each time I pass them and I feel my heart skip a beat. That broken tik Tok, tick Tok, tik Tok that no one can hear. On our family trip last week as we kayaked Pictured Rocks, Nola said, "look at the butterfly mom! Do you think it's Carter?" Yes baby, I do. I believe he's always close by. I believe he's cheering me on from the sidelines as I navigate this thing called life. I am constantly battling the guilt of living. Of living while he is not. I battle my inner demons and the choices I had to make to let him go. But I can still see him in my daughters' eyes. I can hear his voice when they ask about him or say his name. Every time they ask to go visit him, I know he's whispering hello.
Just when I feel like everything is wrong, the beauty behind the eyes of my children reminds me that it's not. They remind me that I'm doing alright and that I'm momming them just right. Being a mom is messy but so beautiful. Take it from the broken hearted and tired momma whose children thinks she's still perfect.
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