Being a mom is messy

 "Look at the sky momma! It's beautiful!" exclaimed my 6 year old daughter on our way to Mott early this morning.  I replied, "just like you baby" and she said, "just like YOU momma, you are so beautiful".  It is THIS right here.  It is the beautiful soul of my young daughter who sees the beauty in a sunrise.  It is the words of my daughters when I feel defeated at the end of the day and they say, "you are the best mommy ever".  It reminds me that even in a tough day, there is sunshine.  My beautiful, sweet, loving daughters.  Even when I feel like I have failed them with my short fuse and frustrations throughout the day and they still think I am the best mom in the world.  They see the strong, fun, loving mom that I only wish I could be 50x better at.  I make them a simple dinner of chicken strips in the air fryer and Kraft Mac & cheese and they smile and say "thank you for making us such a great dinner mom".  Now don't get me wrong; not every moment is sunshine and rainbows with my girls.  They are not always grateful and sweet.  They have their moments when I spend an hour cooking dinner to have them say "ugh, I don't like that" and I want to scream.  They bicker and tattle throughout the day as I am trying to juggle my work from home job,  clean the never ending crumbs off the counter, or give them the warning face as they try to ask for their millionth snack of the day and I am on the phone with a patient.  But just when I feel like a total failure, they thank me.

This is also the journey of a grieving mother.  Most mornings, I have to take a deep breath, throw on my armor and give myself the little pep talk "you can do this" as I climb out of bed each morning.  I don't say it out loud or vocalize just how hard it is. Very rarely will you see me cry.  I don't have time to fall to pieces.  It could take years to put those pieces back together and mom's don't get bereavement time as needed.  So I take my moment each morning, sometimes while washing my hair in the shower.  It's easier to rinse away the tears that way.  I glance at his photos around the house each time I pass them and I feel my heart skip a beat.  That broken tik Tok, tick Tok, tik Tok that no one can hear.  On our family trip last week as we kayaked Pictured Rocks, Nola said, "look at the butterfly mom! Do you think it's Carter?"  Yes baby, I do.  I believe he's always close by.  I believe he's cheering me on from the sidelines as I navigate this thing called life.  I am constantly battling the guilt of living.  Of living while he is not.  I battle my inner demons and the choices I had to make to let him go.  But I can still see him in my daughters' eyes.  I can hear his voice when they ask about him or say his name.  Every time they ask to go visit him, I know he's whispering hello.  

Just when I feel like everything is wrong, the beauty behind the eyes of my children reminds me that it's not.  They remind me that I'm doing alright and that I'm momming them just right.  Being a mom is messy but so beautiful. Take it from the broken hearted and tired momma whose children thinks she's still perfect.

Church

 I believe that there is only ONE church.  Before you read that and instantly think I am crazy, let me explain.  I have never been a person that I would call religious nor have I spent more than a hand full of times inside of a church.  I wasn't raised religious.  For each of us, our life is our church.  Life is what sculpts us and defines us until that final day.  Every person's life is different. Our suffering, our happiness, our homes, our choices, our food preferences, the ways we choose to raise our children, the friendships we make and keep, the trips we take, the careers we choose.  For each and every one of us, that is our individual church.  No church looks the same nor does it sing the same hymns.  But the lessons we learn and how we choose to proceed forward in our lives, is what our own church preaches.  We should not judge others for the way they conduct their own

.  We shouldn't be as narrow minded as to think that there is only one perfect congregation, because for our own, it absolutely is.  As long as the life you live is one that makes you happy, healthy and proud, your church is perfect.  

There are moments in every persons life that they can pinpoint that were self defining moments.  Something that happened in their life that is engrained in their very soul. A piece of their history that has defined important aspects of their life.  These moments are our church.  I, myself, have had so many of those moments.  Some so dark that most people wonder how I am still moving forward with a smile on my face.  They wonder how I can talk about my son without tears.  They wonder how I could ever trust another relationship.  They wonder how I can find the positive in the hardships without resentment and animosity.  My answer is always the same.  Because I have no choice.  I DID have the choice in how I moved forward though.  I could choose to be a miserable, angry person or I could choose to find the light.  There is always light.  Today's sorrows will not always be tomorrows anguish.  Tomorrow can be what we choose for it to be because it hasn't happened yet.  We cannot change the past.  I consciously choose to wake up each day and be thankful that I did.  I look around and have so much to be thankful for.  I am thankful for the 7 years that I was gifted with my son.  I am thankful for my two healthy, happy daughters.  I am thankful for the wonderful man who found us along the way.  I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for my job and all that it has brought into my life.  My church.  Walls are not what build us.  What builds us, is our story; our own bibles, if you will.  

Days go by

I can see the mile marker ahead of me as I start out on my run and it seems too far away.  My mind is trying to tell me before I even begin that it's just too far and it's just too hard.  I consciously set myself up for believing that it's more than I can do.  Then I internally slap myself and say "COME ON! You've got this". One foot in front of the other and I watch the finish line get closer and closer.  I feel my confidence growing as I watch the distance pass.  Then as I hit my goal, I feel myself rejoice in success.  And then I remind myself the next time, that I made it before and I can do it again. This is the story of my life.  Then I have lags in my life when I also let myself lean heavily on the idea that there's always tomorrow. I can just work at it later.  I have time.  Days go by and I don't push to be my best self.  I let the overwhelm take over when things just seem too hard.  There are areas of my life that I haven't given 100%.  Relationships that I didn't mend because my heart was too battered and scarred to see past the fog.  Seeing the pain and imperfections in others was too heavy and sad for me to bear.  Forgiveness too hard to face. 

In just the first 2 weeks of 2021, I lost my dad and turned 35.  As I sit here tonight and think about what this means for my life, I can't help but be reminded that life is fragile.  It goes way too fast.  I am guilty more times than I can count, of putting things off and being dependent on expecting time to wait for me.  I say I will start doing this or doing that, next week.  I will figure things out eventually.  I will stop by my dads house just to give him a hug.  I wanted to do that fish fry with him one more time. I wanted to tell him that I understand why things were hard for a really long time; that I knew he too, had his struggles with the hand dealt to him at times.  My heart still begged for more time and I hoped that I could say those words.  But instead I stayed away because it hurt so much to see him suffering and dying.  My dad was the mile marker that felt too far away to reach.  All of the years of pent up spite for the times he wasn't there.  I think back over the last 10 years and cannot wrap my mind around where it has went.  In what feels like the blink of an eye, so much has changed.  People I love come and gone.  The person of my 20's a completely different picture in my 30's.  I barely recognize the person I was then.  It's been a week since my dad's funeral and I have reunited with family who have been distant for different reasons in recent years.  I have clung to items of my dads that I never gave much thought to before.  Just as I look for Carter in all parts of my day, I find myself doing the same for my dad.  I need him more now than I ever did before or maybe it's just that I realize that time has slipped me by.  I never do New Years resolutions but this year, I want to be better at keeping promises to myself.  To focus on the moments in front of me and the tangibility of now.  I have so many things that I want to happen in my life still.  Things that are either in or out of my control.  I have spent a lot of time hoping and wishing more than living and learning.  

All of this to say, I think we all just need to grab our goals by the horns and DO IT.  Don't wait for tomorrow.  Forgive that person, more so for yourself because I can tell you right now, it is YOU who hurts the most by not doing it. Plan that vacation and GO.  Do that fish fry.  Tell the people you love that you love them even if the timing isn't right, even if it makes it awkward.  I guarantee you won't regret it later.  Drop in and hug your parents for no reason except to feel their embrace and see the smile on their face.  Know that life is going to change whether you are ready for it or not.  Time is unrelenting, irrevocable, and ever changing.  Don't waste it or take it for granted.  We only get one chance at this thing called life.  Treat it as your most valuable possession because it IS.  Make it worth every second and live every day as if it is your last because for all you know, it could be.

I love you dad. RIH 1959-2021