I can see the mile marker ahead of me as I start out on my run and it seems too far away. My mind is trying to tell me before I even begin that it's just too far and it's just too hard. I consciously set myself up for believing that it's more than I can do. Then I internally slap myself and say "COME ON! You've got this". One foot in front of the other and I watch the finish line get closer and closer. I feel my confidence growing as I watch the distance pass. Then as I hit my goal, I feel myself rejoice in success. And then I remind myself the next time, that I made it before and I can do it again. This is the story of my life. Then I have lags in my life when I also let myself lean heavily on the idea that there's always tomorrow. I can just work at it later. I have time. Days go by and I don't push to be my best self. I let the overwhelm take over when things just seem too hard. There are areas of my life that I haven't given 100%. Relationships that I didn't mend because my heart was too battered and scarred to see past the fog. Seeing the pain and imperfections in others was too heavy and sad for me to bear. Forgiveness too hard to face.
In just the first 2 weeks of 2021, I lost my dad and turned 35. As I sit here tonight and think about what this means for my life, I can't help but be reminded that life is fragile. It goes way too fast. I am guilty more times than I can count, of putting things off and being dependent on expecting time to wait for me. I say I will start doing this or doing that, next week. I will figure things out eventually. I will stop by my dads house just to give him a hug. I wanted to do that fish fry with him one more time. I wanted to tell him that I understand why things were hard for a really long time; that I knew he too, had his struggles with the hand dealt to him at times. My heart still begged for more time and I hoped that I could say those words. But instead I stayed away because it hurt so much to see him suffering and dying. My dad was the mile marker that felt too far away to reach. All of the years of pent up spite for the times he wasn't there. I think back over the last 10 years and cannot wrap my mind around where it has went. In what feels like the blink of an eye, so much has changed. People I love come and gone. The person of my 20's a completely different picture in my 30's. I barely recognize the person I was then. It's been a week since my dad's funeral and I have reunited with family who have been distant for different reasons in recent years. I have clung to items of my dads that I never gave much thought to before. Just as I look for Carter in all parts of my day, I find myself doing the same for my dad. I need him more now than I ever did before or maybe it's just that I realize that time has slipped me by. I never do New Years resolutions but this year, I want to be better at keeping promises to myself. To focus on the moments in front of me and the tangibility of now. I have so many things that I want to happen in my life still. Things that are either in or out of my control. I have spent a lot of time hoping and wishing more than living and learning.
All of this to say, I think we all just need to grab our goals by the horns and DO IT. Don't wait for tomorrow. Forgive that person, more so for yourself because I can tell you right now, it is YOU who hurts the most by not doing it. Plan that vacation and GO. Do that fish fry. Tell the people you love that you love them even if the timing isn't right, even if it makes it awkward. I guarantee you won't regret it later. Drop in and hug your parents for no reason except to feel their embrace and see the smile on their face. Know that life is going to change whether you are ready for it or not. Time is unrelenting, irrevocable, and ever changing. Don't waste it or take it for granted. We only get one chance at this thing called life. Treat it as your most valuable possession because it IS. Make it worth every second and live every day as if it is your last because for all you know, it could be.
I love you dad. RIH 1959-2021
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