Being a mom is messy

 "Look at the sky momma! It's beautiful!" exclaimed my 6 year old daughter on our way to Mott early this morning.  I replied, "just like you baby" and she said, "just like YOU momma, you are so beautiful".  It is THIS right here.  It is the beautiful soul of my young daughter who sees the beauty in a sunrise.  It is the words of my daughters when I feel defeated at the end of the day and they say, "you are the best mommy ever".  It reminds me that even in a tough day, there is sunshine.  My beautiful, sweet, loving daughters.  Even when I feel like I have failed them with my short fuse and frustrations throughout the day and they still think I am the best mom in the world.  They see the strong, fun, loving mom that I only wish I could be 50x better at.  I make them a simple dinner of chicken strips in the air fryer and Kraft Mac & cheese and they smile and say "thank you for making us such a great dinner mom".  Now don't get me wrong; not every moment is sunshine and rainbows with my girls.  They are not always grateful and sweet.  They have their moments when I spend an hour cooking dinner to have them say "ugh, I don't like that" and I want to scream.  They bicker and tattle throughout the day as I am trying to juggle my work from home job,  clean the never ending crumbs off the counter, or give them the warning face as they try to ask for their millionth snack of the day and I am on the phone with a patient.  But just when I feel like a total failure, they thank me.

This is also the journey of a grieving mother.  Most mornings, I have to take a deep breath, throw on my armor and give myself the little pep talk "you can do this" as I climb out of bed each morning.  I don't say it out loud or vocalize just how hard it is. Very rarely will you see me cry.  I don't have time to fall to pieces.  It could take years to put those pieces back together and mom's don't get bereavement time as needed.  So I take my moment each morning, sometimes while washing my hair in the shower.  It's easier to rinse away the tears that way.  I glance at his photos around the house each time I pass them and I feel my heart skip a beat.  That broken tik Tok, tick Tok, tik Tok that no one can hear.  On our family trip last week as we kayaked Pictured Rocks, Nola said, "look at the butterfly mom! Do you think it's Carter?"  Yes baby, I do.  I believe he's always close by.  I believe he's cheering me on from the sidelines as I navigate this thing called life.  I am constantly battling the guilt of living.  Of living while he is not.  I battle my inner demons and the choices I had to make to let him go.  But I can still see him in my daughters' eyes.  I can hear his voice when they ask about him or say his name.  Every time they ask to go visit him, I know he's whispering hello.  

Just when I feel like everything is wrong, the beauty behind the eyes of my children reminds me that it's not.  They remind me that I'm doing alright and that I'm momming them just right.  Being a mom is messy but so beautiful. Take it from the broken hearted and tired momma whose children thinks she's still perfect.

Church

 I believe that there is only ONE church.  Before you read that and instantly think I am crazy, let me explain.  I have never been a person that I would call religious nor have I spent more than a hand full of times inside of a church.  I wasn't raised religious.  For each of us, our life is our church.  Life is what sculpts us and defines us until that final day.  Every person's life is different. Our suffering, our happiness, our homes, our choices, our food preferences, the ways we choose to raise our children, the friendships we make and keep, the trips we take, the careers we choose.  For each and every one of us, that is our individual church.  No church looks the same nor does it sing the same hymns.  But the lessons we learn and how we choose to proceed forward in our lives, is what our own church preaches.  We should not judge others for the way they conduct their own

.  We shouldn't be as narrow minded as to think that there is only one perfect congregation, because for our own, it absolutely is.  As long as the life you live is one that makes you happy, healthy and proud, your church is perfect.  

There are moments in every persons life that they can pinpoint that were self defining moments.  Something that happened in their life that is engrained in their very soul. A piece of their history that has defined important aspects of their life.  These moments are our church.  I, myself, have had so many of those moments.  Some so dark that most people wonder how I am still moving forward with a smile on my face.  They wonder how I can talk about my son without tears.  They wonder how I could ever trust another relationship.  They wonder how I can find the positive in the hardships without resentment and animosity.  My answer is always the same.  Because I have no choice.  I DID have the choice in how I moved forward though.  I could choose to be a miserable, angry person or I could choose to find the light.  There is always light.  Today's sorrows will not always be tomorrows anguish.  Tomorrow can be what we choose for it to be because it hasn't happened yet.  We cannot change the past.  I consciously choose to wake up each day and be thankful that I did.  I look around and have so much to be thankful for.  I am thankful for the 7 years that I was gifted with my son.  I am thankful for my two healthy, happy daughters.  I am thankful for the wonderful man who found us along the way.  I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for my job and all that it has brought into my life.  My church.  Walls are not what build us.  What builds us, is our story; our own bibles, if you will.  

Days go by

I can see the mile marker ahead of me as I start out on my run and it seems too far away.  My mind is trying to tell me before I even begin that it's just too far and it's just too hard.  I consciously set myself up for believing that it's more than I can do.  Then I internally slap myself and say "COME ON! You've got this". One foot in front of the other and I watch the finish line get closer and closer.  I feel my confidence growing as I watch the distance pass.  Then as I hit my goal, I feel myself rejoice in success.  And then I remind myself the next time, that I made it before and I can do it again. This is the story of my life.  Then I have lags in my life when I also let myself lean heavily on the idea that there's always tomorrow. I can just work at it later.  I have time.  Days go by and I don't push to be my best self.  I let the overwhelm take over when things just seem too hard.  There are areas of my life that I haven't given 100%.  Relationships that I didn't mend because my heart was too battered and scarred to see past the fog.  Seeing the pain and imperfections in others was too heavy and sad for me to bear.  Forgiveness too hard to face. 

In just the first 2 weeks of 2021, I lost my dad and turned 35.  As I sit here tonight and think about what this means for my life, I can't help but be reminded that life is fragile.  It goes way too fast.  I am guilty more times than I can count, of putting things off and being dependent on expecting time to wait for me.  I say I will start doing this or doing that, next week.  I will figure things out eventually.  I will stop by my dads house just to give him a hug.  I wanted to do that fish fry with him one more time. I wanted to tell him that I understand why things were hard for a really long time; that I knew he too, had his struggles with the hand dealt to him at times.  My heart still begged for more time and I hoped that I could say those words.  But instead I stayed away because it hurt so much to see him suffering and dying.  My dad was the mile marker that felt too far away to reach.  All of the years of pent up spite for the times he wasn't there.  I think back over the last 10 years and cannot wrap my mind around where it has went.  In what feels like the blink of an eye, so much has changed.  People I love come and gone.  The person of my 20's a completely different picture in my 30's.  I barely recognize the person I was then.  It's been a week since my dad's funeral and I have reunited with family who have been distant for different reasons in recent years.  I have clung to items of my dads that I never gave much thought to before.  Just as I look for Carter in all parts of my day, I find myself doing the same for my dad.  I need him more now than I ever did before or maybe it's just that I realize that time has slipped me by.  I never do New Years resolutions but this year, I want to be better at keeping promises to myself.  To focus on the moments in front of me and the tangibility of now.  I have so many things that I want to happen in my life still.  Things that are either in or out of my control.  I have spent a lot of time hoping and wishing more than living and learning.  

All of this to say, I think we all just need to grab our goals by the horns and DO IT.  Don't wait for tomorrow.  Forgive that person, more so for yourself because I can tell you right now, it is YOU who hurts the most by not doing it. Plan that vacation and GO.  Do that fish fry.  Tell the people you love that you love them even if the timing isn't right, even if it makes it awkward.  I guarantee you won't regret it later.  Drop in and hug your parents for no reason except to feel their embrace and see the smile on their face.  Know that life is going to change whether you are ready for it or not.  Time is unrelenting, irrevocable, and ever changing.  Don't waste it or take it for granted.  We only get one chance at this thing called life.  Treat it as your most valuable possession because it IS.  Make it worth every second and live every day as if it is your last because for all you know, it could be.

I love you dad. RIH 1959-2021

Thin Blue Line

17 months ago, I received a phone call in the middle of the night that would change our lives. Only a few hours earlier, we were singing Happy Birthday and blowing out candles.  It was a night just like any other.  But little did we know that that night would take a life changing turn.  He spent the last 21 years protecting our community and putting in thousands of hard worked hours.  His only wish each shift was to come home safe each morning, just like anyone else.  His life has been to protect and serve.  He is known to be calm and collected at all times.  He is known to his brothers and sisters in blue as "Rock" because he is so tough.  As much as he's known for being tough, he is also fair and solid.  Three years ago, he made a choice to add my girls and I to his life.  He chose to wrap us in his arms of safety and calm.  He has taken on the role as a father to my 2 daughters.  When his duties are done at work, he comes home and takes up duty as a protective dad and partner.  17 months ago, our world was shaken.  At approximately 11:07 p.m. on April 17th, 2019, I was woken out of sleep to my phone ringing.  As I squinted to see the screen and realized it was the hospital number, I already knew.  I instantly knew that something was wrong.  The doctor on the other end told me that Kirk Carter had been in a trauma.  She proceeded to tell me that he had been shot twice.  This man who always told me "there's nothing to worry about" each day that he left for work, had been shot.  This man who always smiled and reassured me that everything would be okay, was not.  When the doctor told me he had been shot in his upper leg and hand, the only relief was because I knew he would survive his injuries.  But my heart broke because I also knew that this would change his life.  His goals now on hold.  The normal we had embraced only hours earlier celebrating his 46th birthday and my words to him before he left, "you shouldn't work on your birthday", echoing in my mind.  I needed to get to him.  I needed to see him and touch him.  I needed to know that he was okay. When the officer who drove me to the hospital that night, finally arrived, all I remember is running.  I ran through the back doors of the ambulance bay and asked "where is he?"  I ran to the trauma room where the love of my life lay on a gurney.  He was pale but his face was calm.  His first words to me were, "I'm 100%".  Moments later, the doctor came in and showed us the x-ray of his femur.  It was shattered.  Over the next 5 days, he endured 2 surgeries. One to put a metal rod in his right femur and another to put pins in his shattered wrist.  The newspaper released a statement saying that his injuries were non-life threatening, but they fail to say that they are life changing.  17 months of physical therapy, surgeries, a wheelchair, walker, cane, appointments, pain, blood clots.  The behind the scenes aftermath that this incident has caused.  

Over time, I learned more details about what had happened that night.  Kirk was assisting on a domestic call and was the one who happened to walk into the room where a man was hiding in a closet.  That man opened fire on him.  Without hesitation, his brothers and sisters in blue held the line from there in the face of chaos.  The officers who were on that call and ran into the crossfire, the officer and explorer who ran into the house only minutes after the shootout to pull Kirk down a flight of stairs, applied a tourniquet and pulled him out of the house so that he could get to the hospital, to the officers from all around the county who rushed to get there; I am forever grateful.  To this day, it is still very hard for me to imagine those moments.  This man that I love, almost taken from me.  He was there to protect and serve, as always.  A job that has the risk of unknown factors every minute of every single day.  Kirk is the epitome of the thin blue line.  He separates the good from the bad while creating order from chaos.  He is brave, strong and endlessly positive, despite the challenges that the chaotic bad of his career has inflicted on him.  He has yet to go back to active road patrol still but he hopes to eventually.  As a spouse, I am terrified for those days ahead.  But I am also supportive of anything he wants to do.  He has worked so hard to get back what was taken from him.  I am one of the fortunate ones who can stand here today and say that he is still with us.  There are so many spouses, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers who cannot.  I pray every single day for all of the law enforcement officers, their families, and their brothers and sisters in blue, that they too make it home from their shifts every day.

Remarkable Woman of the Year

Over a month ago, I received a phone call from the Milwaukee Channel 6 news.  The general manager told me that I had been nominated for Remarkable Woman of the Year and was in their top 4 picks.  I was completely blown away and immeasurably honored.  But my first thought was, do I really deserve this?  Do I belong in this top 4?  For as long as I can remember, I have always been my own harshest critic.  My mom nominated me and wrote about all of my trials and tribulations and they thought I was worthy of top 4.  My next thought was, there is no such thing as a remarkable woman without remarkable friends and family.  I have had an army of support through all of this.  People that  have lifted me up when I wasn't sure my legs could withstand the weight of my life.  They were the shoulders when I needed to unload mine for a while.  They rallied when my son was sick and times were bleak.  They didn't give up on me when I was in a terrifying marriage of narcissism and drug addiction.  They helped me rebuild my life when I lost everything in that divorce.  They protected me and my children when I was in hiding and trying to rebuild my life.  They offered me solace when I needed time to figure it all out. They helped with my children when I went back to college.They helped me organize the benefits that meant so much to me.  Benefits that meant so much to me because they meant hope when I was told that there was none for my son.  These are the people who have believed in me even when I wasn't sure I could get through it all.  All of the things that I have done for my son, my girls, the fundraising, walkathons and helping my boyfriend recover from his injuries, I did without ever needing recognition.  I did it all in the face of love.  All of these people in my life are the ones who deserve to stand beside me in an honor like this.

When I got this phone call, I called my mom first.  We both cried as we realized that this news station read my story and felt that I was remarkable enough to be in that top 4.  They told me I would hear from them soon to do an interview since they would be airing the top 4 in February and the winner would be flown to New York to be on the Mel Robbins Show.  I can't even describe the feelings I have had since getting that call.  I only told closest family and friends because a part of me still couldn't believe that this was true.  And another part of me had a feeling that nothing would ever come of it.  I was okay with both, because I already felt it was such an honor to have been thought of as top 4 in the things they looked for in this contest.  Yesterday morning, I received an email from the special projects producer saying that they didn't realize I lived outside of Milwaukee and due to residency requirements, I am unable to be named as a finalist in the contest.  I read the email over and over.  I am not sure how this mistake happened, but it did.  Apparently, each state has its own local channel 6 news that chose their own top 4 local women.  Somehow my nomination was sent to the wrong one.  As much as I want to cry and feel sad about this, I also keep telling myself that I don't need this recognition to know that I am remarkable.  All I have to do is look around and count my blessings.  I have come out on the other end of darkness into a beautiful life full of so many things to be proud of. I survived things that are meant to break a person.  I would be lying if I said I haven't cried since getting that email.  But today, I am just doing my best to look forward and to be proud of all the other women who have gotten that same phone call and look forward to hearing their stories too.

One Shot

We live in a world where people are expected to be perfect.  This includes our appearance, weight and how we speak.  We are judged for not keeping the house clean enough or for every mistake our children make.  There is judgment every where we go and everything that we do.  I don't know about you, but that's heavy.  A heavier burden than anyone should have to carry.  The fact is, we are human.  And we all know, humans make the biggest of mistakes.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone else thought I should be.  One thing I've learned, is that I will NEVER ever fit that mold.  It doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be someone who doesn't think it was good enough.  This is probably one of my favorite parts of my 30's...I have come to not care nearly as much.  I am learning who I want to be, how I want my home to look, I see the magnificence of laughter.  I dress the way I want even if it's not the current day fashion.  I make mistakes. Like ALL the time!  I am the least graceful person on the planet and stumble over absolutely nothing.  I sometimes say the most off the wall things because it made more sense in my head than when the words rolled off my tongue.  I forget things if they aren't written down.  I hate left hand turns and refuse to do them most of the time.  I get frustrated when it's too loud, too cluttered or too chaotic.  I say I am sorry more times than I ever should.  I get worried and overthink on a daily basis.  But I have come to a point where I forgive myself easier.  I give myself grace for being imperfect.  I can laugh at the silly things I say and do.  I actually find myself to be one of the funniest people I know.  Which I think is SO important in life.  Finding the silver lining in things that we could instead dwell on, is so important.  We get ONE shot at this thing called life. ONE SHOT.  We don't get a re-do or rewind on life.  When it's over, it's over.  And in the long run, it will never really matter if we made a fool of ourselves every now and then.  I guarantee that the majority of people we know, have made the very same mistakes, even if they won't admit it.  One of the most common questions I get from people who know my story, is "how do you do it?  I don't think I could".  It's simple.  I don't have a choice.  I couldn't control the decisions my ex-husband made, I couldn't control that my son was born terminally ill and passed away, I couldn't stop some of the bad things that happened and I can't change any of it now.  So I simply accept it and live.  And so would you.  This isn't to say that I don't still have ugly days and tears of sorrow.  It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt every second of every day.  Time does NOT heal all wounds or make pain any less hard.  Time changes things and I have learned how to live with it.  I lived under a spell of manipulation and abuse for a long time in my marriage and that has taken its toll.  I am still learning that it wasn't all my fault and that I am not a horrible person, just because he drilled it in my head that I was.  Sometimes the shadows of those dark days still follow me, but I remind myself that I am a survivor.  I literally lost everything in a matter of seconds, but I persevered and rebuilt my life.  I worked my butt off to give my kids everything they needed, even when I look back and can't remember how I did it.  The only thing that matters now, is that I DID IT!  I can feel my son with me in every big decision I make, my girls are happy and healthy, we are safe, we have the most amazing man in our lives, I am debt free, and life is solid.  

As I creep up on my 34th birthday, I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for being where we are today.  I am learning to forgive myself for not fitting in that mold, for crying over absolutely nothing once in a while, for being angry from time to time, for making mistakes.  I set goals or promises if you will and I do my best to keep them.  I accept myself for who I am and that is all that matters.  My shoulders are far less burdened and life is simpler.  I just hope that more people can learn to give themselves grace too.  Forgive yourself.  Worry less.  Work to impress yourself before anyone else. That is NOT selfish.  Stop beating yourself up for all the things you haven't been able to do and embrace all of the things that you HAVE done.  If you cannot care and love yourself more, you can never truly do the same for others.  This doesn't mean that we haven't made mistakes in our lives that we have to make right.  Of course we have, we all make them.  But making those things right and not repeating them, is key.  Mistakes teach us how to be better people.  Owning our faults, apologizing when we mean it and fixing those, are important.  And then FORGIVE yourself and others.  And most importantly, don't forget to live your best life.  Give it all you have.  Have fun! Love big and laugh along the way!

From me to you

If I could write a letter to myself and deliver it to the 18 year old me, this is what it would say.

Dear me,

Happy graduation day!  The reason I choose this day is because your life is just beginning.  At least, the point where I feel like it is beginning.  You already live on your own, you still work at the pharmacy and you still drive your first car (which I assure you, you will always love even though it's a junker).  You, my friend, are doing well for an 18 year old and I am still so proud of you, even today.  I know there are a lot of questions you may have and I still don't have all of the answers for you.  But as you work your way through the hard choices, just know that you are making the right ones.  Even the crisis question of this big day.  It is chilly and you aren't happy that you are supposed to wear a dress under your graduation gown.  And because you know your diploma is already printed and what could the school say now, you chose red pants and sandals instead of a dress and heels.  You are the only girl in your class that isn't wearing a dress but you know what?!  You go girl!  You are rocking your National Honors Society and bronze GPA sashes, so you deserve to wear whatever you want!  This personality will pull you through the trenches some day, I promise you.  There are things that you can't even begin to imagine right now, that are going to happen to you.  You will get married and have children.  You will be the best mom that you know how to be.  You may think right now that you can't handle ever having a child with special needs, but you will.  And you will be the best mom to that little boy.  He will be one of the most beautiful parts of your entire life.  And even though his life will be heart breaking, you will give him a beautiful life until his last breathes.  Your marriage will be tough and it won't last forever.  But don't worry too much...you will pull through it and you will go on to find love again.  You will find a love for emergency medicine and helping others.  Your life will change colors many times over the next 15 years so hold on tight.  Don't be worried or scared though, the rough roads will change seasons and you will weather the storms just fine.  Because that is who you are.  You are brave. You are strong. You are wonderful.  Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.  I know you have spent most of your childhood trying to prove that you are something to be proud of and I want you to open your eyes and see it!  You don't need approval from anyone else but yourself.  I am proud of you.  So as you cross that stage and say goodbye to this chapter of your life, try to be easy on yourself for who you are.  You will always worry a lot.  You will always be stubborn.  You will always second guess yourself.  You will always carry the burden of the world on your shoulders.  But give yourself grace.  Forgive yourself for all of the things you judge so harshly.  And I beg of you to do ONE thing...embrace the moments, both good and bad.  Because those moments will pass you by and even the ones that seem too hard at the time, will be ones you miss just as much as the good.  I am writing this to you from a time and place of peace, love and happiness.  So from me to you, let life begin!

Sincerely
Your 33 year old you.