Thin Blue Line

17 months ago, I received a phone call in the middle of the night that would change our lives. Only a few hours earlier, we were singing Happy Birthday and blowing out candles.  It was a night just like any other.  But little did we know that that night would take a life changing turn.  He spent the last 21 years protecting our community and putting in thousands of hard worked hours.  His only wish each shift was to come home safe each morning, just like anyone else.  His life has been to protect and serve.  He is known to be calm and collected at all times.  He is known to his brothers and sisters in blue as "Rock" because he is so tough.  As much as he's known for being tough, he is also fair and solid.  Three years ago, he made a choice to add my girls and I to his life.  He chose to wrap us in his arms of safety and calm.  He has taken on the role as a father to my 2 daughters.  When his duties are done at work, he comes home and takes up duty as a protective dad and partner.  17 months ago, our world was shaken.  At approximately 11:07 p.m. on April 17th, 2019, I was woken out of sleep to my phone ringing.  As I squinted to see the screen and realized it was the hospital number, I already knew.  I instantly knew that something was wrong.  The doctor on the other end told me that Kirk Carter had been in a trauma.  She proceeded to tell me that he had been shot twice.  This man who always told me "there's nothing to worry about" each day that he left for work, had been shot.  This man who always smiled and reassured me that everything would be okay, was not.  When the doctor told me he had been shot in his upper leg and hand, the only relief was because I knew he would survive his injuries.  But my heart broke because I also knew that this would change his life.  His goals now on hold.  The normal we had embraced only hours earlier celebrating his 46th birthday and my words to him before he left, "you shouldn't work on your birthday", echoing in my mind.  I needed to get to him.  I needed to see him and touch him.  I needed to know that he was okay. When the officer who drove me to the hospital that night, finally arrived, all I remember is running.  I ran through the back doors of the ambulance bay and asked "where is he?"  I ran to the trauma room where the love of my life lay on a gurney.  He was pale but his face was calm.  His first words to me were, "I'm 100%".  Moments later, the doctor came in and showed us the x-ray of his femur.  It was shattered.  Over the next 5 days, he endured 2 surgeries. One to put a metal rod in his right femur and another to put pins in his shattered wrist.  The newspaper released a statement saying that his injuries were non-life threatening, but they fail to say that they are life changing.  17 months of physical therapy, surgeries, a wheelchair, walker, cane, appointments, pain, blood clots.  The behind the scenes aftermath that this incident has caused.  

Over time, I learned more details about what had happened that night.  Kirk was assisting on a domestic call and was the one who happened to walk into the room where a man was hiding in a closet.  That man opened fire on him.  Without hesitation, his brothers and sisters in blue held the line from there in the face of chaos.  The officers who were on that call and ran into the crossfire, the officer and explorer who ran into the house only minutes after the shootout to pull Kirk down a flight of stairs, applied a tourniquet and pulled him out of the house so that he could get to the hospital, to the officers from all around the county who rushed to get there; I am forever grateful.  To this day, it is still very hard for me to imagine those moments.  This man that I love, almost taken from me.  He was there to protect and serve, as always.  A job that has the risk of unknown factors every minute of every single day.  Kirk is the epitome of the thin blue line.  He separates the good from the bad while creating order from chaos.  He is brave, strong and endlessly positive, despite the challenges that the chaotic bad of his career has inflicted on him.  He has yet to go back to active road patrol still but he hopes to eventually.  As a spouse, I am terrified for those days ahead.  But I am also supportive of anything he wants to do.  He has worked so hard to get back what was taken from him.  I am one of the fortunate ones who can stand here today and say that he is still with us.  There are so many spouses, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers who cannot.  I pray every single day for all of the law enforcement officers, their families, and their brothers and sisters in blue, that they too make it home from their shifts every day.

Remarkable Woman of the Year

Over a month ago, I received a phone call from the Milwaukee Channel 6 news.  The general manager told me that I had been nominated for Remarkable Woman of the Year and was in their top 4 picks.  I was completely blown away and immeasurably honored.  But my first thought was, do I really deserve this?  Do I belong in this top 4?  For as long as I can remember, I have always been my own harshest critic.  My mom nominated me and wrote about all of my trials and tribulations and they thought I was worthy of top 4.  My next thought was, there is no such thing as a remarkable woman without remarkable friends and family.  I have had an army of support through all of this.  People that  have lifted me up when I wasn't sure my legs could withstand the weight of my life.  They were the shoulders when I needed to unload mine for a while.  They rallied when my son was sick and times were bleak.  They didn't give up on me when I was in a terrifying marriage of narcissism and drug addiction.  They helped me rebuild my life when I lost everything in that divorce.  They protected me and my children when I was in hiding and trying to rebuild my life.  They offered me solace when I needed time to figure it all out. They helped with my children when I went back to college.They helped me organize the benefits that meant so much to me.  Benefits that meant so much to me because they meant hope when I was told that there was none for my son.  These are the people who have believed in me even when I wasn't sure I could get through it all.  All of the things that I have done for my son, my girls, the fundraising, walkathons and helping my boyfriend recover from his injuries, I did without ever needing recognition.  I did it all in the face of love.  All of these people in my life are the ones who deserve to stand beside me in an honor like this.

When I got this phone call, I called my mom first.  We both cried as we realized that this news station read my story and felt that I was remarkable enough to be in that top 4.  They told me I would hear from them soon to do an interview since they would be airing the top 4 in February and the winner would be flown to New York to be on the Mel Robbins Show.  I can't even describe the feelings I have had since getting that call.  I only told closest family and friends because a part of me still couldn't believe that this was true.  And another part of me had a feeling that nothing would ever come of it.  I was okay with both, because I already felt it was such an honor to have been thought of as top 4 in the things they looked for in this contest.  Yesterday morning, I received an email from the special projects producer saying that they didn't realize I lived outside of Milwaukee and due to residency requirements, I am unable to be named as a finalist in the contest.  I read the email over and over.  I am not sure how this mistake happened, but it did.  Apparently, each state has its own local channel 6 news that chose their own top 4 local women.  Somehow my nomination was sent to the wrong one.  As much as I want to cry and feel sad about this, I also keep telling myself that I don't need this recognition to know that I am remarkable.  All I have to do is look around and count my blessings.  I have come out on the other end of darkness into a beautiful life full of so many things to be proud of. I survived things that are meant to break a person.  I would be lying if I said I haven't cried since getting that email.  But today, I am just doing my best to look forward and to be proud of all the other women who have gotten that same phone call and look forward to hearing their stories too.

One Shot

We live in a world where people are expected to be perfect.  This includes our appearance, weight and how we speak.  We are judged for not keeping the house clean enough or for every mistake our children make.  There is judgment every where we go and everything that we do.  I don't know about you, but that's heavy.  A heavier burden than anyone should have to carry.  The fact is, we are human.  And we all know, humans make the biggest of mistakes.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone else thought I should be.  One thing I've learned, is that I will NEVER ever fit that mold.  It doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be someone who doesn't think it was good enough.  This is probably one of my favorite parts of my 30's...I have come to not care nearly as much.  I am learning who I want to be, how I want my home to look, I see the magnificence of laughter.  I dress the way I want even if it's not the current day fashion.  I make mistakes. Like ALL the time!  I am the least graceful person on the planet and stumble over absolutely nothing.  I sometimes say the most off the wall things because it made more sense in my head than when the words rolled off my tongue.  I forget things if they aren't written down.  I hate left hand turns and refuse to do them most of the time.  I get frustrated when it's too loud, too cluttered or too chaotic.  I say I am sorry more times than I ever should.  I get worried and overthink on a daily basis.  But I have come to a point where I forgive myself easier.  I give myself grace for being imperfect.  I can laugh at the silly things I say and do.  I actually find myself to be one of the funniest people I know.  Which I think is SO important in life.  Finding the silver lining in things that we could instead dwell on, is so important.  We get ONE shot at this thing called life. ONE SHOT.  We don't get a re-do or rewind on life.  When it's over, it's over.  And in the long run, it will never really matter if we made a fool of ourselves every now and then.  I guarantee that the majority of people we know, have made the very same mistakes, even if they won't admit it.  One of the most common questions I get from people who know my story, is "how do you do it?  I don't think I could".  It's simple.  I don't have a choice.  I couldn't control the decisions my ex-husband made, I couldn't control that my son was born terminally ill and passed away, I couldn't stop some of the bad things that happened and I can't change any of it now.  So I simply accept it and live.  And so would you.  This isn't to say that I don't still have ugly days and tears of sorrow.  It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt every second of every day.  Time does NOT heal all wounds or make pain any less hard.  Time changes things and I have learned how to live with it.  I lived under a spell of manipulation and abuse for a long time in my marriage and that has taken its toll.  I am still learning that it wasn't all my fault and that I am not a horrible person, just because he drilled it in my head that I was.  Sometimes the shadows of those dark days still follow me, but I remind myself that I am a survivor.  I literally lost everything in a matter of seconds, but I persevered and rebuilt my life.  I worked my butt off to give my kids everything they needed, even when I look back and can't remember how I did it.  The only thing that matters now, is that I DID IT!  I can feel my son with me in every big decision I make, my girls are happy and healthy, we are safe, we have the most amazing man in our lives, I am debt free, and life is solid.  

As I creep up on my 34th birthday, I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for being where we are today.  I am learning to forgive myself for not fitting in that mold, for crying over absolutely nothing once in a while, for being angry from time to time, for making mistakes.  I set goals or promises if you will and I do my best to keep them.  I accept myself for who I am and that is all that matters.  My shoulders are far less burdened and life is simpler.  I just hope that more people can learn to give themselves grace too.  Forgive yourself.  Worry less.  Work to impress yourself before anyone else. That is NOT selfish.  Stop beating yourself up for all the things you haven't been able to do and embrace all of the things that you HAVE done.  If you cannot care and love yourself more, you can never truly do the same for others.  This doesn't mean that we haven't made mistakes in our lives that we have to make right.  Of course we have, we all make them.  But making those things right and not repeating them, is key.  Mistakes teach us how to be better people.  Owning our faults, apologizing when we mean it and fixing those, are important.  And then FORGIVE yourself and others.  And most importantly, don't forget to live your best life.  Give it all you have.  Have fun! Love big and laugh along the way!

From me to you

If I could write a letter to myself and deliver it to the 18 year old me, this is what it would say.

Dear me,

Happy graduation day!  The reason I choose this day is because your life is just beginning.  At least, the point where I feel like it is beginning.  You already live on your own, you still work at the pharmacy and you still drive your first car (which I assure you, you will always love even though it's a junker).  You, my friend, are doing well for an 18 year old and I am still so proud of you, even today.  I know there are a lot of questions you may have and I still don't have all of the answers for you.  But as you work your way through the hard choices, just know that you are making the right ones.  Even the crisis question of this big day.  It is chilly and you aren't happy that you are supposed to wear a dress under your graduation gown.  And because you know your diploma is already printed and what could the school say now, you chose red pants and sandals instead of a dress and heels.  You are the only girl in your class that isn't wearing a dress but you know what?!  You go girl!  You are rocking your National Honors Society and bronze GPA sashes, so you deserve to wear whatever you want!  This personality will pull you through the trenches some day, I promise you.  There are things that you can't even begin to imagine right now, that are going to happen to you.  You will get married and have children.  You will be the best mom that you know how to be.  You may think right now that you can't handle ever having a child with special needs, but you will.  And you will be the best mom to that little boy.  He will be one of the most beautiful parts of your entire life.  And even though his life will be heart breaking, you will give him a beautiful life until his last breathes.  Your marriage will be tough and it won't last forever.  But don't worry too much...you will pull through it and you will go on to find love again.  You will find a love for emergency medicine and helping others.  Your life will change colors many times over the next 15 years so hold on tight.  Don't be worried or scared though, the rough roads will change seasons and you will weather the storms just fine.  Because that is who you are.  You are brave. You are strong. You are wonderful.  Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.  I know you have spent most of your childhood trying to prove that you are something to be proud of and I want you to open your eyes and see it!  You don't need approval from anyone else but yourself.  I am proud of you.  So as you cross that stage and say goodbye to this chapter of your life, try to be easy on yourself for who you are.  You will always worry a lot.  You will always be stubborn.  You will always second guess yourself.  You will always carry the burden of the world on your shoulders.  But give yourself grace.  Forgive yourself for all of the things you judge so harshly.  And I beg of you to do ONE thing...embrace the moments, both good and bad.  Because those moments will pass you by and even the ones that seem too hard at the time, will be ones you miss just as much as the good.  I am writing this to you from a time and place of peace, love and happiness.  So from me to you, let life begin!

Sincerely
Your 33 year old you.

Lily

As we drove home from her doctors appointment this afternoon and the endless questions about Christmas and her upcoming birthday turned into silence, I glanced into the backseat to see why she had gone so quiet.  I found her fast asleep.  As every mother in the world can relate, I found myself feeling weepy and grateful for this little girl I am so lucky to call my own .  I admire the little angelic face as any worry she may feel, is at rest and she is peaceful.  Today, more than most days, I felt the edge of my forever broken heart, jab at my soul. This little girl that I created over 8 years ago, who has endured some of the most heart breaking and traumatic moments than any child ever should. I never dreamed that she would go through so much in her childhood.  As I type this out, she has her head on my shoulder and just said "you are the best person in the whole world".  How do I put into words how I feel about this beautiful little girl?  I remember when Carter was a baby and I begged God to heal him.  I was begging God to allow my child to be naughty and get into things.  I begged for him to be able to make choices for himself and be able to do big things.  When God gave me Lily, he answered my pleas ten fold.  He gave me a little girl who has challenged me on a daily basis.  She has the tenacity and spunk beyond anything I have ever seen!  She has the biggest heart in the world. She has been through all of the ups and downs right along with me...so much loss and so much growth.  There have been countless moments when I have felt like a failure as a mother, but then she smiles...just like her brother.  Without even realizing it, she fixes everything.  She reminds me that it is okay.  She tells me that I am the best mom in the world.  When I wonder why life has turned out the way it has, I am reminded by my beautiful Lily, that life is good.  SO good.  We may be missing a huge part of our life and always will, but he lives on through his sisters.  He is constantly here, in their hearts, in their smiles, in their milestones, in their time-outs, in their achievements.  These girls remind me every single day that everything is going to be okay.  My only hope is that they will always know how much I love them and how much I owe them for everything they give me.  How grateful I am for them and how proud I will always be! 

Unwritten pages

As I left my first day of clinical orientation this afternoon, I was overwhelmed by everything that has changed.  I am not sure if overwhelmed is the right word, but it best describes how I felt.  After such a rough few years, I wondered if my life would ever find the one thing I craved.  But I can whole heartedly say that it has.  I am amazed every single day by how much has changed in such a short time.  3 years ago, I was still in a deep grief over the loss of my 7 year old son.  I was finalizing my divorce and trying to find my way as a single mother.  I wasn't sure week to week how I would pay all of my bills and still afford gas and groceries.  I was certain that I would never feel settled or at home again.  My whole entire life was in shambles.  The fear of how I was going to rise from the ashes kept me awake at night.  There are things that happened that I still cannot publicly talk about, but just know...life was HARD and very unfair.  When shit hits the fan, shit goes everywhere.  It took a long time, but I can say that I have finally washed most of it away.  I would like to think that all of the things that have happened, have made me stronger.  So much stronger.  How I got through all of it without losing my mind, is a miracle.  Things meant to break a person, has made me want to fight just that much harder.  Giving up is not in my blood.

I would like to think that my precious angel has been here all along, helping guide me where I am meant to be.  Some may question me for moving around in jobs quite a bit this last few years but the doors that have opened along the way, are why it makes sense.  I met this amazing man in my life because of it.  I have met some amazing friends. And I have learned so much!  As a result of my indecisiveness, it has led me to everything that makes sense.  As of this last week, I have permanent sole custody of my girls and have begun training as an ER tech.  Both things I have worked so hard for throughout this last few years.  I can't describe what has pushed me in the directions I have gone, but it's like an internal compass has been pulling me where I am meant to be, even when I had no idea why.  But here I am, writing this tonight surrounded by everything good!  I am home.  I am happy.  I am strong.  I am content.  I am healing.

Tonight I decided to tackle the last thing that has been a burden on my mind.  I started clearing out my storage unit.  It is full of memories and things from the old chapters of my life.  There are a few things I will hold on to for a while, things I will throw away and things I will donate.  But I want that unit gone.  As I pulled boxes out, I could feel a weight lifting.  I am ready to brush off the last remaining dust from my soul and let the unwritten pages of my story, continue.  

My craving in life is finally satisfied; I am at peace.

Laughter heals

Even though my journey has been full of everything that is meant to break a person, it has done everything but that.  I strongly believe that the way we see the world is what makes us or breaks us.  We can choose to cry for ourselves and wonder why bad things happen or we can take these struggles and grow.  This morning, the sun is shining, my girls are playing a board game together in the dining room while I make breakfast, Kirk is healing, we have music playing as we all bob our heads.  8 weeks ago today, our world was shaken when Kirk was shot in the line of duty.  There was uncertainty and fear for what the days ahead would hold. But here we are this beautiful morning and we are better than okay.

The day that Kirk came home, I was scared.  The idea of a rehab facility was out of the question for us.  I took an emergency leave from work and decided without a doubt, that I would take care of him.  A wheelchair, wound care, medications, acute blood loss, therapies and all.  I was scared but knew I could do it.  Kirk is the strongest person I've ever known so I knew we would could do it together.  Pushing him out of the SICU that day, was just the beginning.  Kirk was somber and quiet as he tackled the first transfer into the van and ride home.  His friends and I made the drive home and they helped me get him up the new ramp that his co-workers built over the front steps and into our new "normal".  Born from these scary firsts and unknowns, we have had experiences and adventures that have brought both tears and laughs.  

The first few weeks that he was home, I feared so many things especially him falling or something going wrong. I would check on him after showering, dressing or doing anything that took 10 minutes or longer.  He wouldn't tell me if he needed something especially if it would wake me up, so I had no choice but to hover.  And hover I did!  He won't admit it, but I'm pretty sure he finds joy in watching me panic or worry so in his own ways, provokes that.  But little did he know, I could keep up with that game!  I've had to threaten to take his walker away in order to reduce my worry (although I never actually did).  But the texts that followed with his parents in regards to me threatening to take away his mode of transportation, have made my face hurt from laughing so hard.  

Early into this journey, it was very difficult for Kirk to sleep in bed between the discomfort and positioning of his hand and leg so sleeping in the lazy boy was easiest.  But there was a night he wanted to try to get into bed.  As I said, he didn't like to wake me when he needed something but I am a light sleeper, so usually did any way.  That night he tried to sleep in bed, he tried to roll over...of course waking me.  I was half asleep and reached out for him when I felt his movement, but couldn't find him.  I yelled "KIRK, WHERE ARE YOU?' and he responded, "I'm right here, stop yelling at me".  I keep in close contact with his mom and texted her the next morning that I had lost him in the middle of the night.  She asked me, "where was he? In the bathroom?".  My response: "No, he had rolled over and just couldn't reach him".  

In the beginning, it was a feat just to get out the door on time for therapy or appointments.  Things that were once simple and thoughtless had become quite rigorous and time consuming.  There was the morning when we got out to the van to leave with 30 minutes to make it to therapy after all the careful planning...and I managed to lock my keys inside the van.  My only set of keys.  So there we were, him calling AAA and me calling therapy to let them know we wouldn't make it to the first appointment.  Not quite so funny in the moment, but we found humor in later.  We made it work and he was able to do physical therapy a little later in the day.  

A couple days ago, we had gale force winds.  No big deal, right?!  Well, we met Kirk's parents for dinner and when leaving the restaurant, I parked his wheelchair in front of my van so I could unlock the doors and open the side doors for the girls.  (I don't have a fancy key fob like most) This took me all of 3.6 seconds. When I looked back up, Kirk had vanished.  I ran to the front of the van to see if he had scooted himself to his side like he sometimes does, but he wasn't there either.  It hit me.  He must have gotten caught in a gust of wind and I panicked!  I turned around quickly and seen he was halfway across the parking lot.  He never yelled out or even raised an eyebrow.  There he was, in his wheelchair calm and collected as he waited for me to rescue him.  I'm sure it was quite the sight for his dad who was standing not too far away!  

Kirk has a long ways to go with recovery, but even through his tough days or many unknowns, we laugh and smile through the daily bloopers and countless ungraceful moments.  That is what life is all about.  We can't control the curveballs, but we can choose how we handle them.  So far, we are hitting home runs OUR way.