We live in a world where people are expected to be perfect. This includes our appearance, weight and how we speak. We are judged for not keeping the house clean enough or for every mistake our children make. There is judgment every where we go and everything that we do. I don't know about you, but that's heavy. A heavier burden than anyone should have to carry. The fact is, we are human. And we all know, humans make the biggest of mistakes. I have spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone else thought I should be. One thing I've learned, is that I will NEVER ever fit that mold. It doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be someone who doesn't think it was good enough. This is probably one of my favorite parts of my 30's...I have come to not care nearly as much. I am learning who I want to be, how I want my home to look, I see the magnificence of laughter. I dress the way I want even if it's not the current day fashion. I make mistakes. Like ALL the time! I am the least graceful person on the planet and stumble over absolutely nothing. I sometimes say the most off the wall things because it made more sense in my head than when the words rolled off my tongue. I forget things if they aren't written down. I hate left hand turns and refuse to do them most of the time. I get frustrated when it's too loud, too cluttered or too chaotic. I say I am sorry more times than I ever should. I get worried and overthink on a daily basis. But I have come to a point where I forgive myself easier. I give myself grace for being imperfect. I can laugh at the silly things I say and do. I actually find myself to be one of the funniest people I know. Which I think is SO important in life. Finding the silver lining in things that we could instead dwell on, is so important. We get ONE shot at this thing called life. ONE SHOT. We don't get a re-do or rewind on life. When it's over, it's over. And in the long run, it will never really matter if we made a fool of ourselves every now and then. I guarantee that the majority of people we know, have made the very same mistakes, even if they won't admit it. One of the most common questions I get from people who know my story, is "how do you do it? I don't think I could". It's simple. I don't have a choice. I couldn't control the decisions my ex-husband made, I couldn't control that my son was born terminally ill and passed away, I couldn't stop some of the bad things that happened and I can't change any of it now. So I simply accept it and live. And so would you. This isn't to say that I don't still have ugly days and tears of sorrow. It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt every second of every day. Time does NOT heal all wounds or make pain any less hard. Time changes things and I have learned how to live with it. I lived under a spell of manipulation and abuse for a long time in my marriage and that has taken its toll. I am still learning that it wasn't all my fault and that I am not a horrible person, just because he drilled it in my head that I was. Sometimes the shadows of those dark days still follow me, but I remind myself that I am a survivor. I literally lost everything in a matter of seconds, but I persevered and rebuilt my life. I worked my butt off to give my kids everything they needed, even when I look back and can't remember how I did it. The only thing that matters now, is that I DID IT! I can feel my son with me in every big decision I make, my girls are happy and healthy, we are safe, we have the most amazing man in our lives, I am debt free, and life is solid.
As I creep up on my 34th birthday, I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for being where we are today. I am learning to forgive myself for not fitting in that mold, for crying over absolutely nothing once in a while, for being angry from time to time, for making mistakes. I set goals or promises if you will and I do my best to keep them. I accept myself for who I am and that is all that matters. My shoulders are far less burdened and life is simpler. I just hope that more people can learn to give themselves grace too. Forgive yourself. Worry less. Work to impress yourself before anyone else. That is NOT selfish. Stop beating yourself up for all the things you haven't been able to do and embrace all of the things that you HAVE done. If you cannot care and love yourself more, you can never truly do the same for others. This doesn't mean that we haven't made mistakes in our lives that we have to make right. Of course we have, we all make them. But making those things right and not repeating them, is key. Mistakes teach us how to be better people. Owning our faults, apologizing when we mean it and fixing those, are important. And then FORGIVE yourself and others. And most importantly, don't forget to live your best life. Give it all you have. Have fun! Love big and laugh along the way!
