Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Thin Blue Line

17 months ago, I received a phone call in the middle of the night that would change our lives. Only a few hours earlier, we were singing Happy Birthday and blowing out candles.  It was a night just like any other.  But little did we know that that night would take a life changing turn.  He spent the last 21 years protecting our community and putting in thousands of hard worked hours.  His only wish each shift was to come home safe each morning, just like anyone else.  His life has been to protect and serve.  He is known to be calm and collected at all times.  He is known to his brothers and sisters in blue as "Rock" because he is so tough.  As much as he's known for being tough, he is also fair and solid.  Three years ago, he made a choice to add my girls and I to his life.  He chose to wrap us in his arms of safety and calm.  He has taken on the role as a father to my 2 daughters.  When his duties are done at work, he comes home and takes up duty as a protective dad and partner.  17 months ago, our world was shaken.  At approximately 11:07 p.m. on April 17th, 2019, I was woken out of sleep to my phone ringing.  As I squinted to see the screen and realized it was the hospital number, I already knew.  I instantly knew that something was wrong.  The doctor on the other end told me that Kirk Carter had been in a trauma.  She proceeded to tell me that he had been shot twice.  This man who always told me "there's nothing to worry about" each day that he left for work, had been shot.  This man who always smiled and reassured me that everything would be okay, was not.  When the doctor told me he had been shot in his upper leg and hand, the only relief was because I knew he would survive his injuries.  But my heart broke because I also knew that this would change his life.  His goals now on hold.  The normal we had embraced only hours earlier celebrating his 46th birthday and my words to him before he left, "you shouldn't work on your birthday", echoing in my mind.  I needed to get to him.  I needed to see him and touch him.  I needed to know that he was okay. When the officer who drove me to the hospital that night, finally arrived, all I remember is running.  I ran through the back doors of the ambulance bay and asked "where is he?"  I ran to the trauma room where the love of my life lay on a gurney.  He was pale but his face was calm.  His first words to me were, "I'm 100%".  Moments later, the doctor came in and showed us the x-ray of his femur.  It was shattered.  Over the next 5 days, he endured 2 surgeries. One to put a metal rod in his right femur and another to put pins in his shattered wrist.  The newspaper released a statement saying that his injuries were non-life threatening, but they fail to say that they are life changing.  17 months of physical therapy, surgeries, a wheelchair, walker, cane, appointments, pain, blood clots.  The behind the scenes aftermath that this incident has caused.  

Over time, I learned more details about what had happened that night.  Kirk was assisting on a domestic call and was the one who happened to walk into the room where a man was hiding in a closet.  That man opened fire on him.  Without hesitation, his brothers and sisters in blue held the line from there in the face of chaos.  The officers who were on that call and ran into the crossfire, the officer and explorer who ran into the house only minutes after the shootout to pull Kirk down a flight of stairs, applied a tourniquet and pulled him out of the house so that he could get to the hospital, to the officers from all around the county who rushed to get there; I am forever grateful.  To this day, it is still very hard for me to imagine those moments.  This man that I love, almost taken from me.  He was there to protect and serve, as always.  A job that has the risk of unknown factors every minute of every single day.  Kirk is the epitome of the thin blue line.  He separates the good from the bad while creating order from chaos.  He is brave, strong and endlessly positive, despite the challenges that the chaotic bad of his career has inflicted on him.  He has yet to go back to active road patrol still but he hopes to eventually.  As a spouse, I am terrified for those days ahead.  But I am also supportive of anything he wants to do.  He has worked so hard to get back what was taken from him.  I am one of the fortunate ones who can stand here today and say that he is still with us.  There are so many spouses, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers who cannot.  I pray every single day for all of the law enforcement officers, their families, and their brothers and sisters in blue, that they too make it home from their shifts every day.



Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Remarkable Woman of the Year

Over a month ago, I received a phone call from the Milwaukee Channel 6 news.  The general manager told me that I had been nominated for Remarkable Woman of the Year and was in their top 4 picks.  I was completely blown away and immeasurably honored.  But my first thought was, do I really deserve this?  Do I belong in this top 4?  For as long as I can remember, I have always been my own harshest critic.  My mom nominated me and wrote about all of my trials and tribulations and they thought I was worthy of top 4.  My next thought was, there is no such thing as a remarkable woman without remarkable friends and family.  I have had an army of support through all of this.  People that  have lifted me up when I wasn't sure my legs could withstand the weight of my life.  They were the shoulders when I needed to unload mine for a while.  They rallied when my son was sick and times were bleak.  They didn't give up on me when I was in a terrifying marriage of narcissism and drug addiction.  They helped me rebuild my life when I lost everything in that divorce.  They protected me and my children when I was in hiding and trying to rebuild my life.  They offered me solace when I needed time to figure it all out. They helped with my children when I went back to college.They helped me organize the benefits that meant so much to me.  Benefits that meant so much to me because they meant hope when I was told that there was none for my son.  These are the people who have believed in me even when I wasn't sure I could get through it all.  All of the things that I have done for my son, my girls, the fundraising, walkathons and helping my boyfriend recover from his injuries, I did without ever needing recognition.  I did it all in the face of love.  All of these people in my life are the ones who deserve to stand beside me in an honor like this.

When I got this phone call, I called my mom first.  We both cried as we realized that this news station read my story and felt that I was remarkable enough to be in that top 4.  They told me I would hear from them soon to do an interview since they would be airing the top 4 in February and the winner would be flown to New York to be on the Mel Robbins Show.  I can't even describe the feelings I have had since getting that call.  I only told closest family and friends because a part of me still couldn't believe that this was true.  And another part of me had a feeling that nothing would ever come of it.  I was okay with both, because I already felt it was such an honor to have been thought of as top 4 in the things they looked for in this contest.  Yesterday morning, I received an email from the special projects producer saying that they didn't realize I lived outside of Milwaukee and due to residency requirements, I am unable to be named as a finalist in the contest.  I read the email over and over.  I am not sure how this mistake happened, but it did.  Apparently, each state has its own local channel 6 news that chose their own top 4 local women.  Somehow my nomination was sent to the wrong one.  As much as I want to cry and feel sad about this, I also keep telling myself that I don't need this recognition to know that I am remarkable.  All I have to do is look around and count my blessings.  I have come out on the other end of darkness into a beautiful life full of so many things to be proud of. I survived things that are meant to break a person.  I would be lying if I said I haven't cried since getting that email.  But today, I am just doing my best to look forward and to be proud of all the other women who have gotten that same phone call and look forward to hearing their stories too.




Thursday, January 9, 2020

One Shot



We live in a world where people are expected to be perfect.  This includes our appearance, weight and how we speak.  We are judged for not keeping the house clean enough or for every mistake our children make.  There is judgment every where we go and everything that we do.  I don't know about you, but that's heavy.  A heavier burden than anyone should have to carry.  The fact is, we are human.  And we all know, humans make the biggest of mistakes.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone else thought I should be.  One thing I've learned, is that I will NEVER ever fit that mold.  It doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be someone who doesn't think it was good enough.  This is probably one of my favorite parts of my 30's...I have come to not care nearly as much.  I am learning who I want to be, how I want my home to look, I see the magnificence of laughter.  I dress the way I want even if it's not the current day fashion.  I make mistakes. Like ALL the time!  I am the least graceful person on the planet and stumble over absolutely nothing.  I sometimes say the most off the wall things because it made more sense in my head than when the words rolled off my tongue.  I forget things if they aren't written down.  I hate left hand turns and refuse to do them most of the time.  I get frustrated when it's too loud, too cluttered or too chaotic.  I say I am sorry more times than I ever should.  I get worried and overthink on a daily basis.  But I have come to a point where I forgive myself easier.  I give myself grace for being imperfect.  I can laugh at the silly things I say and do.  I actually find myself to be one of the funniest people I know.  Which I think is SO important in life.  Finding the silver lining in things that we could instead dwell on, is so important.  We get ONE shot at this thing called life. ONE SHOT.  We don't get a re-do or rewind on life.  When it's over, it's over.  And in the long run, it will never really matter if we made a fool of ourselves every now and then.  I guarantee that the majority of people we know, have made the very same mistakes, even if they won't admit it.  One of the most common questions I get from people who know my story, is "how do you do it?  I don't think I could".  It's simple.  I don't have a choice.  I couldn't control the decisions my ex-husband made, I couldn't control that my son was born terminally ill and passed away, I couldn't stop some of the bad things that happened and I can't change any of it now.  So I simply accept it and live.  And so would you.  This isn't to say that I don't still have ugly days and tears of sorrow.  It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt every second of every day.  Time does NOT heal all wounds or make pain any less hard.  Time changes things and I have learned how to live with it.  I lived under a spell of manipulation and abuse for a long time in my marriage and that has taken its toll.  I am still learning that it wasn't all my fault and that I am not a horrible person, just because he drilled it in my head that I was.  Sometimes the shadows of those dark days still follow me, but I remind myself that I am a survivor.  I literally lost everything in a matter of seconds, but I persevered and rebuilt my life.  I worked my butt off to give my kids everything they needed, even when I look back and can't remember how I did it.  The only thing that matters now, is that I DID IT!  I can feel my son with me in every big decision I make, my girls are happy and healthy, we are safe, we have the most amazing man in our lives, I am debt free, and life is solid.  

As I creep up on my 34th birthday, I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation for being where we are today.  I am learning to forgive myself for not fitting in that mold, for crying over absolutely nothing once in a while, for being angry from time to time, for making mistakes.  I set goals or promises if you will and I do my best to keep them.  I accept myself for who I am and that is all that matters.  My shoulders are far less burdened and life is simpler.  I just hope that more people can learn to give themselves grace too.  Forgive yourself.  Worry less.  Work to impress yourself before anyone else. That is NOT selfish.  Stop beating yourself up for all the things you haven't been able to do and embrace all of the things that you HAVE done.  If you cannot care and love yourself more, you can never truly do the same for others.  This doesn't mean that we haven't made mistakes in our lives that we have to make right.  Of course we have, we all make them.  But making those things right and not repeating them, is key.  Mistakes teach us how to be better people.  Owning our faults, apologizing when we mean it and fixing those, are important.  And then FORGIVE yourself and others.  And most importantly, don't forget to live your best life.  Give it all you have.  Have fun! Love big and laugh along the way!