Unwritten pages

As I left my first day of clinical orientation this afternoon, I was overwhelmed by everything that has changed.  I am not sure if overwhelmed is the right word, but it best describes how I felt.  After such a rough few years, I wondered if my life would ever find the one thing I craved.  But I can whole heartedly say that it has.  I am amazed every single day by how much has changed in such a short time.  3 years ago, I was still in a deep grief over the loss of my 7 year old son.  I was finalizing my divorce and trying to find my way as a single mother.  I wasn't sure week to week how I would pay all of my bills and still afford gas and groceries.  I was certain that I would never feel settled or at home again.  My whole entire life was in shambles.  The fear of how I was going to rise from the ashes kept me awake at night.  There are things that happened that I still cannot publicly talk about, but just know...life was HARD and very unfair.  When shit hits the fan, shit goes everywhere.  It took a long time, but I can say that I have finally washed most of it away.  I would like to think that all of the things that have happened, have made me stronger.  So much stronger.  How I got through all of it without losing my mind, is a miracle.  Things meant to break a person, has made me want to fight just that much harder.  Giving up is not in my blood.

I would like to think that my precious angel has been here all along, helping guide me where I am meant to be.  Some may question me for moving around in jobs quite a bit this last few years but the doors that have opened along the way, are why it makes sense.  I met this amazing man in my life because of it.  I have met some amazing friends. And I have learned so much!  As a result of my indecisiveness, it has led me to everything that makes sense.  As of this last week, I have permanent sole custody of my girls and have begun training as an ER tech.  Both things I have worked so hard for throughout this last few years.  I can't describe what has pushed me in the directions I have gone, but it's like an internal compass has been pulling me where I am meant to be, even when I had no idea why.  But here I am, writing this tonight surrounded by everything good!  I am home.  I am happy.  I am strong.  I am content.  I am healing.

Tonight I decided to tackle the last thing that has been a burden on my mind.  I started clearing out my storage unit.  It is full of memories and things from the old chapters of my life.  There are a few things I will hold on to for a while, things I will throw away and things I will donate.  But I want that unit gone.  As I pulled boxes out, I could feel a weight lifting.  I am ready to brush off the last remaining dust from my soul and let the unwritten pages of my story, continue.  

My craving in life is finally satisfied; I am at peace.