A decade

I am consumed with emotions this week as I try to wrap my mind around what can happen in a decade.  And the fact that it can fly by in the blink of an eye. 10 years ago today, I was doing last minute preparations for my first baby to be born.  Last belly pictures. Checking the diaper bag for everything I thought he would need.  I still remember painting my nails the night before, like it would matter that this tiny newborn would see them when he met his mommy for the first time.  I remember choosing garnet earrings to wear to the hospital because it was both of our birthstone.  I knew this little baby boy would change my life.  But never in a million years did I think all the dreams I had for him, would never come true.  That I wouldn't be mailing 10th birthday invitations and blowing up balloons to adorn the house for his party.  I was never prepared for that, in all of my planning.  I remember being filled with so much excitement and hope as I waited for him.  I still remember his first cries and seeing his face for the first time.  Never realizing that in a decade, I would be making paper mâché balloons to leave at the cemetery on his 10th birthday.  My heart was never ready for this, it will never be ready for this.  I am bitter that he was never given the same fair chance as most other kids.  I am robbed.  I was driving to work the other day and was flooded with uncontrollable tears as I realized how close this decade was rearing its ugly face.  As I imagine what he would look like if he was still here.  And then realizing that in order to post a birthday collage like I do every year for my children, that I cannot find new pictures...they will all be the same.  They will be his toothy 7 year old pictures from the last days he was here.  He will never age.  The pictures will never change.  Their backgrounds will age as the times change.  Over the last couple of weeks, I have been scrambling to find things that I now loose sleep over.  All I have left are things.  I am so thankful I saved so many things. His art projects, locks of hair, hospital arm bands.  I am thankful that I have always been obsessed with taking pictures and I have ever angle of his face so that I never have to worry about forgetting his features.  I can almost reach out and still feel his soft skin, I can almost imagine his giggles somewhere in the distance.  I still get hints of the way he smelled.  The way he searched for me when I walked into the room.  I still look.  I still look back at his seat in the van and imagine him there.  As this decade comes and goes, I just hope that I can still imagine him so close over the years.  Despite my pain as this birthday comes, I will celebrate him.  I will celebrate the life he had here and how much he changed our lives for the good.  How strong he was through all of his battles.  We will remember him and share memories of him and never forget, everything that he will always be, to us.

Happy birthday in heaven my precious son.