Another New Year

It has been 18 months, 14 days since I lost my hero.  Month by month, life continues to change. It continues to challenge and strengthen me, but it also relentlessly breaks me.  I have heard that the second year is harder than the first.  I'm not really sure it's harder or easier and doubt that it will ever be either, more or less than the other.  It's day by day.  Some days I am "okay" and some days I can physically feel my heart breaking.  The mere mention of his name still takes my breath away.  The girls will ask to listen to his songs or watch his videos and depending on which type of day I am having, I sometimes can't bear it.  I still find random things in the most unexpected places that can change my day in an instant.  Each birthday and holiday that comes and goes, is very difficult.  We still include him in everything we do, but his absence is debilitating.  I still cannot part with any of his things and his room is still in tact.  It's the only part of him that is still here and I am not sure I will ever be able to tuck away his clothes in boxes or part with the few medical supplies I still have.  Maybe that day will come, but not any time soon.  Just as people have said, I find that people speak of him less and very rarely ask me how I am doing with his loss.  Life moves on, I suppose.  But for me, his life will always go on...at least in mine.  

As I attempt to move forward and at the same honor my son, I am finishing the EMT program in the next 3 weeks.  It is something I have said for many years that I would love to do.  Medical became the biggest part of my life for 7 years and settled into my life as home.  Getting through the program has not been easy, but I am happy to say I have almost made it.  Mid-way through Carter's life I had hoped to do this with the goal of being able to better care for him at home.  But now, I hope to be able to help and support other families as they are making those difficult decisions and calls for their loved ones.  EMT is not the end goal; it is the beginning.  I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  But I know I want to help people.  I want to be of help to those on their hardest days, in some form or another.  I can still remember the faces of those who truly cared and hoped for my son.  Those who cried beside me as I wept.  Those who grabbed my hand when I had nothing else to hold on to.  You never forget those people.  

So as I come up on 2018, I have no new year's resolutions or long term goals.  I simply take each day, one minute at a time.  I find victory in the smiles of my girls, the shifts I complete, the bills I pay, an empty laundry basket, my gas tank above 1/4, a decorated Christmas tree, and more than 6 hours of sleep at night.