What beautifully broken means to me...

I began my adult life as I knew it 8 years ago.  I met my husband, got married and had three beautiful children..  My life was beyond what I ever imagined for myself and I couldn't be happier.  Life was falling into place and life was good.  By no means was my marriage perfect and the medical struggles with my son, heart wrenching.  But over-all, it was everything I wanted.  The foundation of my life was solid or...so I thought.  I could take on the world at any given moment without skipping a beat.  I was organized, focused and determined each and every day.  It was just when I thought I had it all figured out, that life came to a shattering halt.  My very foundation crumbled below my feet.  Addiction wasn't just something I read online or watched on tv.  It wasn't someone elses horror story nor was it something "that would never happen to me".  The reality of my life only arms length away.  Lies, heartbreak and deceit.  The person I loved with all my heart and chose to build a life with, had let me down beyond comprehension.  I broke.  For months, I lost the person I was.  Some days were nothing but a blur and I struggled to maintain relationships and keep up with normal daily functions.  I found myself worrying more about my husband and what he was doing than I did the things that really mattered.  I begged and pleaded for recovery and health.  As I begged with all I had for something to give, I also knew that there were things that could NOT happen.  My children could not be effected or put at risk because of his choices.  No matter how hard it would be to walk away or put up the big fight, I knew the day would come if my children were ever in harm.  In my heart, I knew something was coming...I slowly and involuntarily built strength within myself that even I was doubtful of.  When something happens that involves your children and their well being, it's amazing how fast and furious your strength can tear through you like a wild fire.  The right words, the right wrongs, the right anger.  I made the calls that would forever change my life...for my babies.  I never turned back.  I packed the neccessities, buckled in my babies and drove away.  Not one glance in the rearview mirror.  The happy times behind us...the memories safely tucked away for another tiime.  There would be no more waiting, no more hoping for change and no more wasted time.  Enough is enough.  Sometimes waiting is worth it, but there are times when waiting could mean losing it all.  I was at the crossroads in my life when I had to make a choice...to take the road that was uncertain and full of risk or the road that guaranteed a light at the end of the tunnel.  Through the toughest months when I could barely sleep or eat, my happy place was a place of my own that was full of certainty and peace.  No more wondering and worrying.  No more lies.  No more blame.  No more tears.  At this point, having life flipped upside down was anything but bad in my situation.  In fact, it was so much more.  I didn't give up on my marriage or turn my back on my husband.  I instead, wrapped my children in protection and chose to give THEM a fair chance.  The funny thing with addiction is, there is no right choice.  Where is the line drawn between enabling and disabling?!  A question I asked myself daily.  It's a question that even professionals are unsure how to answer.  But the answer was easy for me; my kids deserve nothing more than a safe life where they are put first, even if that means leaving their dad behind.  My husband made his choices which didn't mean we had to live with it.  I refuse to live with it.  In the last 3 months, I have filed for divorce, gotten my own place, worked as many hours as I can to make the bills, obtained sole custody, gotten my own van and found the most important thing of all...PEACE.  Life is far from figured out, but that's okay.  The light at the end of the tunnel isn't just an idea anymore. It's not some bright star in the sky...I can touch it, smell it and taste it.  It's my now.  In this unfair world, I have become beautifully broken.  My heart still hurts, but in a different way than before.  I have days when all I want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself, but I also have days when I look at my accomplishments and feel proud and strong.  My focus now is to provide a stable life for my babies.  I never imagined I would be rebuilding my life as a single mom, it was never in my plans.  I remember my step-dad always telling us kids growing up that "life isn't fair".  It sure isn't.  I've been dealt my fair share of low blows, but life is short...I know that all too well.  2015 was by far the hardest year of my life...not only did my marriage fall apart, but my 6 year old son's disease has went from stable to progressive.  So many people have said they don't know how I do it...I only smile and chuckle at that.  I myself, wonder the same thing.  I have no idea how I do it, except just doing it.  I have no choice.  I just choose to embrace the day.  My 3 children are happy and well.  We have each other.  That's all that matters.